Recovery from DIEP flap breast reconstruction with young children at home is a worrisome consideration. Women are, by nature, care givers. A mother’s thoughts focus on what their physical ability will be after surgery and how they will be able to care for their children once home and recovering. A mother leaves the house to go to reconstructive surgery and her children see her in a healthy, active state. When she returns home from surgery she will physically be weaker, perhaps a bit hunched over from the abdominal incision and will be very cautious about having children sit on her lap, lift them, hug them or snuggle with them like she used to before surgery.
Moms are active and engaged with young children, bending, stooping, lifting and twisting; all activities that must be adjusted after DIEP flap surgery. I have taught young children for many years and know that speaking in plain, simple, honest language is far more meaningful to them than trying to hide or gloss over any of the truth. Children are very observant even at their busiest and truly know when things are different with mom. It is definitely worth considering appropriate conversation based on the age of the child when explaining what you will be going through. It is important to discuss how they can make you feel better and help with your recovery even in the simplest of ways.
I traveled for my surgery and my two sons, both adults, were there along with my husband for my recovery from DIEP flap when I returned home. Their fears and concerns were definitely different than the topic of this post so I enlisted the help of some “breast friends” with young children to tell me firsthand what DIEP flap recovery with young children at home was really like.
I posed the following four questions to each of them.
- What was the most difficult part of having your children there when you were recovering from DIEP flap surgery?
- Tell me about a funny moment that occurred with your children during your recovery?
- How did you engage your children during your recovery?
- What are some suggestions you have for other women going through DIEP flap surgery who have young children?
My “Breast Friends”
How did I come to know Shera? I came to know Shera through Social Media and Twitter. I used to live and teach in Seattle and travel back to the Emerald City frequently to see family and friends. I happened to notice on Shera’s social media account that she was from Seattle. One of my frequent visits there gave me the opportunity to meet her in person. The connection was immediate. We were “breast friends”. What I didn’t know until we were at least an hour into our conversation at Starbucks was that Shera had the privilege of having as one of her DIEP flap plastic surgeon team members, Dr. Daniel Liu. Dr. Liu is a member of my private Face Book group and we both spoke fondly of his patient engagement and how fortunate we both were to know him. We took this photo together at our Seattle meeting. I tagged my plastic surgeon as well as Dr. Liu and mentioned to them both how fortunate we both were to have world class micro surgeons be part of our reconstructive team.
Shera’s Story: You can find Shera’s blog and the story of her breast reconstruction at: https://shutupaboutit.wordpress.com/
I am what we call a “previvor”, meaning that I had my BPM (bilateral prophylactic mastectomy) and DIEP flap breast reconstruction before ever being diagnosed with breast cancer. I am BRCA1+, and I found out that I carry this genetic mutation when my twin daughters were about 9 weeks old. I am very fortunate that I was able to be proactive and had prophylactic surgeries – but that came at a price, which was my sister’s breast cancer diagnosis at age 30. My sister and I are living full, healthy lives – thanks to the wonders and advances in medicine and medical technology. But, having two very little kids while recovering from these surgeries was a challenge. I had my BPM and DIEP flap breast reconstruction on March 12, 2012. My daughters were only 2 years +~1 month old when I had my surgeries.
- When I had my surgeries, I was fortunate enough to be a full time stay at home mom. The majority of my time was spent with my daughters. We don’t have any family in the area, but we did have part time help with the girls, which ended up turning into full time PLUS help during my recovery. Missing out on their everyday activities, not being there for them around the clock, and being unable to hold my daughters or pick them up was devastating. About a week into my recovery, I was strong enough to sit down on the floor so my girls could walk to me and I could give them a hug, but it was weeks before I could really give them a full, pain free embrace. Weeks and weeks of waiting for that was hard.
- There weren’t a ton of comedic relief moments that came about for our family. It was interesting to see that one of our daughters, who is the more emotionally in-tune and empathetic of our twins, knew at age 2 that something had happened to my breasts. My husband and I tried to explain to our daughters beforehand that I was going to the hospital to have surgery, I wouldn’t be home for a few days, but they were going to have fun with their Grandma, Aunties, babysitter, and whoever else came to help. But one of our girls noticed my winces, where I was guarding myself, and eventually became somewhat fixated with breasts. She would nuzzle her little head into the bosom of my sister, her grandma, our babysitter, or the instructors for their activities. It was slightly alarming and we were concerned, but as I got better her focus waned and, eventually, completely disappeared.
- I was so exhausted and sore when I first came home from the hospital that my interaction with my daughters wasn’t much beyond observing them around our house. It pained me to be out of their around-the-clock lives. In the early days of my recovery, it may have just been sitting in their playroom with them, reading them a story, or watching them play. Eventually I could get myself up and down from the floor without relying on my arms, which allowed me to get down to the floor so they could give me gentle hugs. But I tried to be involved in their day in any little way I could.
- The best thing you can do for your children is ensure that you are mentally, physically, and emotionally ready for this surgery. Being prepared for the various experiences and outcomes, and being at peace with those, will get you through this process a little easier. Be in good health before going into your surgery so that your recovery time is shorter. And let people help you. You have no choice and it sucks, but you have to let people come in and take care of you, your children and your home. You don’t have to be a hero or a martyr. Just be healthy and prepared, and you will get through this.
How did I come to know Angie? I came to know Angie when I was asked to contact her by the plastic surgery group that I went to. Angie would be the very first woman I would reach out to and help ease the process and recovery of DIEP flap. I remember Angie asking me if I would recommend taking her children to San Antonio to be with her during her surgery. I gently and politely suggested she leave them at home if she had good support for them there. Given her response to question 4 I’m glad now that I gave her that advice. I found out that Angie was from my home state of Kansas. Again, during my travels after DIEP flap surgery, and specifically back to Kansas to see family, I decided it would be a true pleasure to meet her in person. Angie and I had different micro-surgeons from PRMA that performed our DIEP flap surgery. She had Dr. Arishta. We both made post phase 1 & 2 videos about our experience. While in Kansas we decided to make a video and dedicate it to our surgeons but also as a tribute to becoming “breast friends” through our DIEP flap experience. We have continued to stay in contact. She is truly an inspiration having gone through her cancer diagnosis and DIEP flap recovery with three young boys.
Angie’s Story: Angie is helping other women by sharing her experience. Feel free to reach out to her on Face Book at: https://www.facebook.com/angie.murray.507?fref=ts
- The toughest part for me of recovery was definitely the idea and reality of leaving my boys for two and maybe three weeks. Cancer was emotional for them and while reconstruction was a happy surgery to me it was a scary time for them and 12 hours from home. We found Face Time allowed us to feel like we could keep them close! They still delight in telling me how they had been told I would not be able to talk to them the night of surgery and how excited they were to hear me on the other end of the line! Next to my husband they were my biggest cheerleaders. They were thrilled to get me home and feel like they could help. I asked my 12 year old tonight what the hardest part was and he said after I had already written this, “You being gone Mom. Then followed up with the plastic surgery, right? Mom that was the easy one for recovery!
- Having three boys is a challenge with breast cancer. We talked with them about the process at a high level but not in details. With that said there was no denying even for boys that they now had a thin Mom!
- My boys were ages 12, 10 and 7 when I got cancer. We sat them down and engaged them in the fight as part of the team immediately. I was too sick with chemo, infections and radiation to be Super Mom so they learned to help. I don’t think I did laundry for months lol! I expected the Diep to be more of the same. My recovery from the Diep was so much easier than treatment. The boys continued to help with chores but reflect on the Diep as the easy surgery!
- I would encourage you to take those first two weeks to recover without children. Whether you are traveling or not the first two weeks is a time for you to take time out for you. It is hard but worth it! This gives you a jump start on recovery and the energy to go home ready to be Mom!
Dvora’s story: Dvora, like Shera, is BRCA positive. She is an active member of the previvor and DIEP flap community and is happy to support other women going through this process. You can find her on Face Book at: https://www.facebook.com/dvora.koelling?fref=ts
How did I come to know Dvora? Dvora and I had the same micro-surgeon who performed our DIEP flap surgeries. Dvora, too, was one of the first few women I spoke to about the process and recovery of DIEP flap surgery. We were three hours apart in time zones but we always managed to schedule those needed, bonding phone calls to become “breast friends” and anything I could say to ease her mind about the process brought me a sense of relief for her as well. I was simply overjoyed to find out that Dvora discovered she was pregnant with her third child the morning of her phase two DIEP flap surgery after they did her surgical blood work. Imagine the chatter in that pre-op room!! I think she was a bit taken by surprise but after the astonishing news sunk in she has, in her true fashion, become the beautiful woman and mother that so impresses many of us in the breast reconstruction community.
- I have two small children. My daughter was 4.5 and my son was just about 2 at the time of surgery. There were a number of challenges with having my children around during my recovery from DIEP flap. The first was finding an adequate way to explain what I was going through, without traumatizing them with too much or worrisome information. I basically told them I was having surgery so that my “boobies” would not get sick, which was something they kind of understood. And I answered whatever questions they had in the easiest, simplest way possible. It seems like an easy thing to do, but when you have so many complex thoughts and emotions about the procedure, it can be difficult to find the simple words to explain it to young children.
- Funny moment: My two year old son loved racing up and down the hallways of the hotel where we were staying during my recovery. He would always ask me if I wanted to race him to the end of the hallway, even though I was moving at a speed of about .01 miles an hour.
- During the first few days of my recovery, my engagement with my children was limited. Kisses, little hugs, small walks… it was all I really had energy for. But I made it a priority to try engaging with them a little bit more every day as I felt more and more like myself. I wanted them to know that mommy was getting better, and it was only a matter of time before I was feeling back to myself again.
- My number one suggestion is an obvious one: Reach out and get as much support and childcare assistance as you can. You will need to rely on your spouse or partner or best friend or relative to take care of you and tend to your needs, so make sure the children have A DIFFERENT person who can make them a priority. I was lucky in having a lot of community support during my recovery. Friends came over to take the children out. Relatives came over to entertain them. I think having a large support network when you are a mom going through this surgery is imperative. You will need to ask for many favors, and you will need to depend on a lot of different sources for care – both of yourself and your children.
How did I come to know Amanda? I met her through my closed Face Book group and our mutual Kansas connection, Angie. It’s as if Angie and I became her personal cheerleaders through her DIEP flap surgery. She had such wonderful support from her family and friends, a tribute to Amanda’s spirit and courage!
Amanda’s Story:
- I am so fortunate to have family nearby. My husband’s mother has been such a huge help with my girls, I have twins that are 2.5 and a 5 year old! She has helped me through my pregnancy, raising twin babies, chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, and recovery. My husband is also so much help with daily household chores and the kids. Since I stayed in San Antonio after my surgery I had time to recover some before I returned home to the kids. The hardest part about returning was just figuring out ways to care for my children without lifting them and keeping them entertained without needing me as much throughout the day.
- As you know, kids love belly buttons! So they were so excited to see my new belly button and amazed.
- I was able to find ways for them to help Mommy through my recovery. It was really less than a week after returning home before I was back to being able to do things like laundry and dishes and caring for them by making meals. I had wonderful friends who brought meals for us for several weeks! The girls helped me switch the laundry, and pull the baskets back to our rooms. They could crawl onto the changing table and also into their high chairs which was a big help also.
- If you have help available from Friends or family don’t be afraid to take it and please ask for help. Meals are a great thing that friends or family can provide or if that’s not an option, prepare freezer meals prior to surgery for your family. Children love to help, make little ways they can help mommy like helping with the laundry or picking up toys or picking out their clothes, getting changed for the day, and also helping prepare snacks. You know as a mom, you make a way to care for your family and muster up the strength and energy to get it done. But please ask for help and don’t overdo it!!
Diep Flap Recovery with Small Children at Home
There are many other women I speak to with small children who are considering DIEP flap surgery or have been through it already and have survived even with their young children at home. They are all Women Warriors in my estimation. The endless hours and sleepless nights of worry is what pushed them through from planning to recovery. I am so glad that I met Shera and Angie face to face. I look forward to someday doing the same with Dvora, Amanda and many others! Feel free to share your ideas and stories with me at the Journey and know that there is always some element of support available as you recover from DIEP flap breast reconstruction with your young children.
