This week has been challenging for so many and for many reasons. The news in the U.S. has focused so much attention on the massive losses in the Los Angeles area from the wildfires. Loss is part of life. But how do people deal with it? This is not a blog to share what you have lost. You will understand why if you read to the end. How are you dealing with the overwhelming feeling of loss?
Losses in my World
I have received texts every day this week from friends who have loved ones directly affected by the fires in Los Angeles. There have been no lives lost from those I heard from and for that, I am grateful. It began early Monday morning when a dear friend of mine was coping with the news of the fire in the area where her daughters and young grandchildren live. They lost power for a brief period of time. As I write this blog today, they are still in their home but because of the shift in winds over the weekend, they are on standby to evacuate.
Other friends and family I heard from lost everything. The material goods they have accumulated in life are gone. They have their lives, but the sense of loss must impact them physically and mentally. I heard from those whose house is still standing but the town they live in is nonexistent. How do you return to your home when there is no more town? I cannot imagine and I grieved in my own way for my friends.
I have lost my strong and supportive Dad. He lived a full life but to this day I grieve his loss. My breasts were lost to a disease, breast cancer at the time of my second diagnosis. Yesterday I got my hair cut. The topic of my hair loss during my first diagnosis due to chemotherapy came up as the technician was shampooing my hair. When I got up from the chair she looked at me with her thick head of hair and said, “How does one even deal with losing your hair?” I told her I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. It was depressing for me. I cried looking in the mirror but eventually accepted it as part of my treatment for recovery.
The Feeling of Loss for Those Affected by Breast Cancer
My nonprofit work is joyful, purposeful, and some days anguishing for me. The days of anguish are when I hear about loss. It can be the loss of a life well lived taken only by this insidious disease we have no cure for yet. We recently lost a beautiful advocate and someone I had the privilege of meeting at a conference in my hometown of Seattle. I want to share what my friend, Diane Mapes, wrote about Bridgette Hempstead in this beautiful article. Thank you Diane for honoring this leader in our community who made an important contribution to the global breast cancer community.
Breast reconstruction is not an easy decision to make. It comes with a great deal of planning, preparing, unknowns, physical changes that can and do affect you mentally. When a woman goes through this surgery, a great fear is loss of the flap. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen often. But it did in my community this week. I can’t imagine the grief. The patient experiences loss and so does the surgeon. When I open my messages in the morning and see this, I am gutted.
Losses of a Different Kind
Over the past year I have had dear friends and family lose their jobs. Some have lost the ability to do their jobs due to illness or disease. I watch the changes that come with these losses. At times you feel like you are helpless in these situations. You grasp for answers hesitating to tell folks what you think they should do when you are not standing in their shoes. These losses are processed in numerous ways by individuals. Coping mechanisms are dependent on personal experience and attitude, in my humble opinion. Some are better coping at it than others.
I have seen fatigue etched on faces as I sit and listen to those I know tell me about their losses. Sometimes you sit with them and just stare blankly at each other lost in a conversation that feels like it has no solution. Now I have a BIG question to ask you, the reader.
What Are Actionable Items You Use to Cope With Loss?
I really do want to hear your solutions. I can tell you what I do but that is what works for me. This week, I had to quit watching the news about the LA fires. I went into my bathroom, drew a warm bath, put some lavender Epsom salts in the water and took a soaking tub. Leaving my phone in another room, I lowered the lights, and enjoyed the calm and warmth of the moment. I also reposted on social media some reputable organizations that were gathering donations for the fire victims. It seems so inconsequential but that’s what I did.
When I received my second breast cancer diagnosis that was a bit more challenging. I was not only dealing with losing my breasts, but I was also dealing with the loss of what my family knew me to be, a vibrant active young mother who was about to have multiple surgeries. What did we do as a family? Watched a movie, went on walks together and didn’t talk about cancer for a day. We had to take a break from anything that involved cancer.
Listening is one of the best gifts you can give to someone experiencing loss. Friends and family who lost jobs, experienced disease, lost their ability to do what they love, I listened. Sometimes I would physically put my tongue at the roof of my mouth, close my lips, and sit in front of them and let them talk. We have become used to being reactive and talking before letting others finish. Often nonintentional, it can do more harm than good. Actively listening takes work and skill. Practice it when someone has the need to talk to you about loss.
Your Turn to Share How you Cope with the Overwhelming Feeling of Loss
I will watch for comments. Sharing your experience, your ideas might help another person who sees your comment. I know I need suggestions because loss is not easy, no matter how big or small. We need to hear about each kind. It is times when I have experienced greatest losses in my life that I needed to know, I was not alone.