There are no easy outs when you learn about breast cancer diagnosis #2. I was diligent about scheduling my yearly mammograms and equally as diligent about doing my breast self-exams. I had my yearly physical in late January of 2014 with my primary care physician. She did not feel anything suspicious in my breasts just as I hadn’t when doing my monthly self breast exams. A couple of months later, as I was lying in bed one morning doing a self exam, I left a bit of a thickness in my left breast. I decided not to panic or jump to any conclusions for a couple of reasons. The first one, I frequented the gym and did weight training three times a week, perhaps the delusional/hopeful side of me. I feel great! It’s just all the strength training and new muscles. The second and more practical side of me, I had my mammogram scheduled in three weeks. It will be fine until then and we’ll just keep our fingers crossed all will be well.
April 2 arrived. I went for my yearly mammogram. I am always a bit nervous because of my first breast cancer diagnosis. You’d think after twelve years of being cancer “free” these booby smashing events would affect me less. They didn’t and this day was going to prove to be a hum-dinger!
Wait for it…..
The breast imaging center I went to always allowed you to wait for an “all clear” on the results when they knew you were a survivor. I did with clammy hands and sweaty armpits, anticipating the best. It was my annual ritual after getting the “all clear we’ll see you next year” to go get my three-pump vanilla latte and celebrate. I know, I know, the small things in life! The attendant walked into the waiting area and told me I was free to go. She told me the resident looked at my films and they would see me back in a year. She also added the attending physician would review the films when she returned from lunch. I cautiously left because I was hoping the attending would see the same results as the resident. Instead, I put on my happy pants and made my way to Starbucks to get my celebratory latte. I even whipped out my phone at a stop light (no texting and driving please!!) and sent my favorite cousin a text to let her know I made it past another year. I didn’t have time to hit the send button because the light turned green. Just after going through the intersection, my phone rang. It was the imaging center. “We need you to come back and speak with the radiologist.”
Were you Alone when you Learned About Breast Cancer Diagnosis #2?
My hands became clammy and my heart was pounding. My husband was overseas on business and the only other family I had in town was our youngest son. He was at a local college and taking a very heavy load for the semester. I was alone. I turned the car around and went back to see the radiologist. She was a tall, slender, blonde-haired woman with kind eyes and a compassionate demeanor. She took me back to the dark imaging room. My films were pulled up and she pointed it out. Her words, although she was soft spoken, sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard to my ears. “Do you see this? We found a mass and I’m highly suspicious it is cancer.”
A Big Learning Curve
I looked at her in utter disbelief as the tears started to well up in my eyes. My inner voice spoke to me as I silently thought, “Be strong, Terri. You’ve got to handle this on your own today”. Once an educator, always an educator. The first words to come out of my mouth were, “Can you please talk to your resident.” She looked at me and very softly but with great affirmation said, “I already have.” I really needed to know this was going to be a huge learning day for the young resident.
Cryin’ Time When I Learned About Breast Cancer Diagnosis #2
When I told her my husband was out of the country I started choking up even more. “Damn it!” my inner voice screamed at me again. “Suck it up and don’t have a pity party here. Get your information and let’s find out what to do!!”
Biopsies, Scans and MRI’s, OH MY!
Dr. Borders performed three separate biopsies on me over the next week. Why? Because it was also found in a breast MRI I had a mass in my left breast as well. My husband returned from being overseas to a woman with black and blue breasts from the biopsies. I began preparing myself mentally for a double mastectomy.
Stage IV Metastatic
My breast surgeon ordered a breast MRI to determine the best surgical options. The breast MRI showed lesions on my spine and now they wanted to do a thoracic MRI. The thorasic MRI revealed lesions at three different places on my spine. On April 17th with my husband back in the country, we sat in the doctor’s office together to hear the results of the thoracic MRI. The words were surreal to us both. We heard, “I am so sorry. You are stage IV metastatic.” It was the single, darkest day of my life. They comforted me by saying they would do subsequent tests, a PET/CT and a bone scan to study the lesions further. Dr. Ley told me they needed to gather more information but she also looked at me and said, “We’ve been wrong before”. This human touch and statement from a physician was huge and one of the very reasons I hold her in such high regard.
The Ugly Vortex When you Learn About Breast Cancer Diagnosis #2
Her words, however, were little comfort during the week I waited to schedule both of those tests. Telling family and friends, especially our two sons, my daughter-in-law, my parents, two sisters and nieces and nephews was emotional and exhausting. I have always said, cancer is an ugly vortex. It does not just suck you into it but everyone else you love and care about goes down with you. The day I learned about breast cancer diagnosis #2 was no easier, in fact, possibly more difficult than diagnosis #1.
No More Mets
The metastatic diagnosis changed after multiple scans. The lesions they saw on my spine had been there for a few years and there was no change in them. The unfortunate part, they did not have those previous records to compare them to the current scan when they made the metastatic diagnosis. Keeping all my records from my first diagnosis would help my physicians come to the decision the metastatic diagnosis was not conclusive, but, the seed had been planted. You can read more about how I deal with the aftermath in a blog I wrote about having PTSD from the experience.
Continue to Live Your Life!
This is the story of my second diagnosis. Each diagnosis has been unique but no less frightening. We are never prepared for these events in life. When you learn about breast cancer diagnosis #2 you don’t know how you will react. What was the moment like for you? I’d love to hear your story.
Breast cancer diagnosis #2 has heightened my sense of good health. Be well! I am and continue to live my life beyond both diagnosis.
