Fears of Breast Cancer Recurrence
Fears of breast cancer recurrence are palpable for anyone who has been diagnosed with this disease we have yet to find a cure for. We each handle the fear differently. I had a recurrence. I’d like to share my own experience, how I faced those fears, and how I dealt with them.
As an educator for many years, I have seen the differences in personalities both in students and parents when it comes to handling what is seemingly the simplest of fears. What is catastrophic to one is barely a blip on the radar to another. There are those in life who are simply more fragile than others. Differences in dealing with this fear of recurrence must not be judged or become fodder for accusations when we don’t always appreciate the circumstances behind.
“How Do You Always Stay Positive?”
Friends, relatives and family who have so generously supported me throughout both my breast cancer diagnoses have asked me this question while I was in the midst of waiting for results from diagnostic testing, scans, surgeries, treatment; the list goes on. I have often responded with this answer.
I am simply blessed. It is a gift I have been given that has allowed me to deal with the chaos of breast cancer. I will never take this gift for granted and will always be grateful. It is a combination of my personality, my upbringing, who I choose to surround myself with, my insatiable appetite for knowledge and a sprinkling of spirituality and faith.
The reality is, I am not always positive. I am human and cowered when I got a first glance of myself in the mirror after losing all my hair to chemo in 2002. I cried, curled up in a ball, and lay in my bed without eating for a day in 2014. This is while I sorted through the news of whether I should consider chemo for the second time after another diagnosis. I anguished over the what-if’s of a full day of surgery to rebuild my breasts after a double mastectomy.
My patience got the better of me some days and I was sideways with my husband when I thought he didn’t understand the totality of what I was going through. I cancelled social invites when my self-confidence was diminished from my mastectomy and I didn’t feel I looked feminine in anything I put on. True confessions from the gal who feels she is blessed with a positive attitude, most of the time. My favorite mantra, “Cry ‘til you’re dry!” I have indulged in a few of those days facing my own fears.
Solutions? I think not. Suggestions? Absolutely!
To tell someone there is a solution for dealing with the fear of recurrence is a bit silly in my humble opinion. Can I give you suggestions and tell you how I’ve handled it? Of course! Then, you can assess your own situation and use what suggestions work for you. Let me be clear; the fear does not go away. It is how you handle it that defines your life and who you are.
Exercise ~ A Prescription for the Body and Soul!
The first time I had cancer the very best thing I did for myself was get back to the gym. However, I didn’t go for the entire year during my diagnosis and through the end of my treatment. I was so sick during my chemotherapy treatments taking the laundry out of the dryer and walking to my living room to fold it felt like I ran a marathon.
In hindsight I would have gone to the cancer center, which at the time was MD Anderson, and taken part in wellness activities. They would have been under the supervision of trained cancer professionals. I went into my first diagnosis a fit, strong woman but chemo got the best of me. My white and red blood cells bottomed-out and I ended up in hospital for three long, miserable days trying to get them back to normal. The walls of the hospital were a lovelier shade of gray than I was!
I will never forget my oncologist walking into my hospital room telling me, “If we don’t get you on Procrit and Nuepogen the chemo is going to kill you.” The statement made me sit up in bed! Exercise may have given me the edge of confidence and strength to deal with my side effects and fears in a better manner.
I got through the hospital stay and eighteen weeks of FAC chemo but I’m still convinced a bit of supervised exercise may have given me an edge on my recovery.
- 5-FU: Yea, let’s not go there with those last two letters after the number 5!
- Adriamycin: Can you say “cardiac toxicity” or AKA the “red devil”?
- Cytoxan: My new nickname, “Pukey McGhee!” This is not a weight loss system I recommend.
Fear! Will it come back?
I finished six weeks of daily radiation and began taking Tamoxifen. But soon after I completed my last radiation I began the worrisome fear so many get. I did everything my medical team prescribed to fight this cancer. Fear! Will it come back? The fear was palpable. I knew the most important thing I needed to do was get my strength back. One year of treatment and putting exercise on the back burner set me back in a surprising way. I felt it when I went back to the gym. But I went back, I kept at it, and it worked!
Treatments can be a reality bitch slap in the face but under medical supervision, you can work to stay strong during treatments. This was during my first diagnosis 13 years ago. Protocols have changed and dealing with side effects can be more manageable now. I just don’t think I was as proactive as I could have been. Learn from those of us who have had lessons of their own. Stay active and exercise in a manner your body and health allow. To this day I continue to do regular exercise.
Going into breast reconstruction healthy certainly helped me recover quicker. I remember walking the halls the five days I was in hospital after my breast reconstruction in December of 2014. The nurses would smile at me as I finished one lap on the floor. I would do one more and they would smile again saying, “Great work, lap #2”. I’d circle again and they’d look at me with amazement and ask if I was trying to set a land speed record.
Find Your Passion
The other suggestion I have in “fighting the fear” of recurrence is to find your passion. It could be cooking, running, writing, art, singing, dancing. Discover something that really makes you feel alive. Find an activity that fuels you, makes you happy, brings you joy! Embrace it and nurture it.
My passion has and always will be educating; Once a teacher always a teacher. My recurrence of breast cancer and journey through reconstruction lead me to continue the passion of educating. I didn’t want to be in the “cancer club” the first time, go to any support groups, and obviously didn’t keep exercising. I just “took it up the arse” as the saying goes and got through it. My mantra “bring it on and let’s get this over with gal” but sat rather complacently on the side lines while this happened. That all changed with diagnosis #2. I embraced the inspiration leading me to educate in a way I had not done before.
It doesn’t go away so I keep it at bay!
I truthfully was angry about having a breast cancer recurrence. The anger, however, prompted me to grab this breast cancer beast by the horns. I sneered it in the face, drew my sword and have been defending myself against the fear ever since. Educating myself about it and sharing knowledge with others through various social media venues and events has given me personal power and courage to keep the fear at bay.
Travel and the amazing new friends I have met along the way.
I don’t miss an opportunity to connect with those in the breast cancer and breast reconstruction community when I am traveling. Social Media is a great tool but there is nothing like a personal meeting and a hug. Talking to these inspirational women and men about their own fears of recurrence is cathartic and healing. I could go on and on about the amazing women and men I have met who are considering reconstruction or have already been through it. I have discussed with them everything they have been through, their fears, their recovery and their on-going treatments. They are paramount in satisfying my thirst to continue this passion of educating and informing.
The fear never goes away. However, I continue to fight my fear by embracing a passion waiting to rise above its own ashes. Fear is real and fear can be overwhelming. Find your passion and fight the fear in the best manner you can!