I asked my Mom a pretty big favor in a recent phone call to her. “Mom, I would like to interview you for my Mother’s Day blog.” There was a pause at the other end of the line. Knowing how important her privacy is to her, I reminded her I had written a couple of blogs about Dad. Mom remembered and found them in a file. She reminded me she kept a file about all the things I do in my patient advocacy work. I had no idea she had a file. We scheduled a time for me to interview her over the phone. This blog is for you Mom. Happy Mother’s Day with a grateful heart.
When Emotions Run High
Mom endured hearing, watching, and caring for me through two breast cancer diagnosis. The first diagnosis we lived close enough for her and Dad to drive and make more than one trip during my chemotherapy treatments. When they drove up to the house to care for me during my last treatment, I was bald, ashen gray, thin, and weak. I noticed they paused in the driveway before coming in. Mom was in the car coaching Dad to be strong, not to cry. They walked in the door and there I stood to greet them with open arms.
Dad did not do so well. He shed some tears. Why wouldn’t he? I looked pretty awful. But I had a smile on my face when I wrapped my arms around Mom. She was strong, quiet, and even with her small frame Mom’s hug felt like a warm blanket. We were ready to conquer the last of my eighteen weeks of grueling chemotherapy. They would both be there the day they pulled my CVC line from my chest after the last round was administered. We both cried tears of joy that day.
Twelve years later, I had to call Mom and Dad to tell them I had breast cancer again, this time in both breasts. Talking to Mom was agonizing for both of us. We were women. Breasts symbolized our femininity. I know she was thinking how hard this would be for me to lose my breasts. Both of our boys were grown and driving now. Our youngest was living at home finishing college. The other was newly married living far away but available to come help. It was difficult for me to tell Mom the boys and my husband would take care of me. They were older now and I was concerned about travel and the workload of my recovery. She understood but I could tell in our phone conversations, as she held back tears, it was difficult for her not to be there. They sent flowers and called often.
Mom’s Difficult Time with my Breast Reconstruction
My double mastectomy was in mid-May, very near Mother’s Day. I called Mom and Dad less than twelve hours after I had surgery. This made her feel happy and comforted and celebrating another Mother’s Day with a grateful heart. But what I would share with Mom about next steps would send her emotions running away with her. I told her I wanted to have DIEP flap breast reconstruction. After weeks of research, I shared the news with them I would be traveling 800 miles to have my surgery.
Trying to explain this lengthy, intricate surgery to Mom was something that took time and emotional energy for both of us. I decided one way to try and comfort her was to send her all the information I could print up on my reconstructive plastic surgeon. Imagine the trust she had to muster up! It was not working so great at first. Our phone calls were full of questions.
“How long are you going to be under anesthesia? You are going to have a scar all the way across your belly? Terri, isn’t this going to be painful? How are you going to get around afterward? How do you know this guy (my plastic surgeon) is good? What will you look like with all those scars afterwards? Are you sure you want to go through with all of this?”
Over time, Mom realized I was comfortable with my decision and confident in Dr. Chrysopoulo’s skill. What was difficult was me telling her I would find a friend to fly to San Antonio to help with my recovery after my husband had to fly back to continue work. She and Dad felt helpless. There were tears shed over this decision. They felt guilty for not being at my side. It is just how I was raised. You are physically there for each other when there is a need.
Mom finally succumbed. Considering their age and long-distance drive, she realized it was best they stay home with their anxiety and pray for me. She began to understand I had done a lot of research and felt comfortable with my choice of surgeons to perform my breast reconstruction. Dr. C, you are also in my Mom’s file. That is how important it was to her to gain your trust, too.
My Mom’s Grateful Heart
The day of surgery came. She and Dad attended Mass in their hometown and prayed for my safety and the skilled hands of my surgeon. My husband called them after my surgery was complete with a good report. They were relieved and grateful. The next day I called from my hospital room. Mom was so amazed at the sound of my voice but even more surprised to hear I was in very little pain.
What amazed her more than anything, was my first visit home after surgery. I made a quick trip home after my double mastectomy wearing my prosthesis. My younger sister, a nurse, showed Mom some photos of others who had gone through a double mastectomy. Mom chose not to look at my scars and my chest with no breasts. But after my DIEP flap, she was ready to see the results of this massive surgery. She wanted to see my newly reconstructed breasts and what Dr. C had done to rebuild them. I let her touch them and view my tummy scar. It was, indeed, a touching moment in many ways!
It was hard for Mom to comprehend the delicate and detailed work this surgery requires. But she now knew the research I did to find a skilled plastic surgeon and confidence I had in Dr. C paid off. Mom thinks Dr. C is an amazing plastic surgeon. I have to say I pretty much agree with her.
She is grateful I chose the particular type of reconstruction surgery I did. Mom knew what I meant when I told her, “I was missing body parts and now I feel whole again.” Mom said emotions still run high when she thinks about all I have gone through. The day I took notes to interview her for this blog, she added,
“You have a good attitude and grateful heart. This has helped you get through all this.”
Happy Mother’s Day Mom with a Grateful Heart. You are loved more than you will ever know!
What a beautiful treatment of your mother’s process in helping her daughter deal with a recurrence and the massive surgeries involved in reconstruction.
Thank you so much for the kind words, Sheri. She is a gem and I feel so very fortunate she is in my life. I love hearing from readers. Thanks for your comment and hope you are doing well. ~ Terri