I want to start with a gentle reminder that not everyone is fortunate enough to have a mom like I do. Some Moms have passed and are missed dearly. Others are not present physically or emotionally even though they are still alive. On Mother’s Day, it is important to be sensitive to this when we speak to others. We cannot assume that they celebrate Mother’s Day. It anguishes me to think what my own sweet mom went through learning I had breast cancer, not once, but twice. I am fortunate to be able to share the experiences and lessons from Mom before, during, and after breast cancer.
Lessons from Mom Before Breast Cancer
I am one of four girls born to my parents. However, I never knew one of my sisters who died shortly after a full-term pregnancy. My mom sorrowfully anguished over this, most of the time, with dignity and prayerful respect, for many years. We visited my sister’s grave site each year on Memorial Day placing fresh flowers at her tiny tombstone etched with a small little lamb lying peacefully in a patch of grass. Dignity and respect are best taught to children by example. My mom shed tears for many years on this day but did so with such a quiet show that it taught me what grieving with graciousness looked like without a show of drama. It reflected strength to me.
She taught me what focusing on her children looked like. We sat at the dinner table each night together. Sometimes my sisters and I would get the giggles at the table and be admonished by Dad. Mom would sit quietly and smile allowing our natural childhood tendency to come out but not countering what Dad said to us. Some of the simplest pleasures I remember are standing in our humble backyard growing up. I would hold my umbrella over my head on a hot, sunny day. Mom filled up a watering can and would stand over me pouring the water over my umbrella and I would giggle with delight. I do simple, cost-free activities like this with my own grandchildren now and listen to those same giggles. These are sweet childhood memories and lessons from mom before breast cancer.
Delivering the News: Breast Cancer
The day I called Mom and Dad to tell them I had breast cancer the first time was gut-wrenching. I was only forty-seven at the time and we had two young sons. Two decades have passed since that moment but it is etched vividly in my mind because of the impact it had on my parents. Telling them I had breast cancer again 12 years later could almost be described as numbing for all of us. The day I was mistakenly told I was stage four metastatic is the first time I heard my mom scream on the phone. We were miles apart, again. It was so unlike her calm demeanor. I was shocked at her response, but not really.
During my first diagnosis they drove from Kansas to Texas where I was being treated at MD Anderson. Mom would stay at our home most days doing laundry and preparing meals. What I remember most is the time she spent with our youngest son sitting at our kitchen table in the Texas sunlight. They formed unbreakable bonds during those moments of conversation while Dad and I spent the day on the road driving, sitting in the infusion room, and then driving back home from MD Anderson. He would make me sit in the easy chair, putting a blanket over me insisting everyone remain quiet in the house while I slept from the chemotherapy and other drugs, they put in my body that day. There are so many moments etched in my mind about those days that are difficult but also hold sweet memories to look back on.
Lessons from Mom After Breast Cancer
If I could put on paper the hours I spent on the phone with Mom and Dad explaining the process from mastectomy to planning my breast reconstruction, it would fill a few pages of a notebook. They were older now and traveling became more demanding on them during my second diagnosis. But man did I feel their support and presence, always! I am so lucky to have that.
After successfully getting through a year of scans, waiting on test results, traveling to see my reconstructive surgeon, and finally completing my DIEP flap in December of 2014, a new year quickly rolled around. They both watched as I switched and interrupted a goal of completing my M.Ed. to beginning a blog and a year later opening a nonprofit organization.
There are so many lessons I have learned from mom but here we are today, celebrating Mother’s Day 2022. So, what sticks with me now about what I have learned from mom? As quiet, sweet, and compassionate as my mom is, she taught me to be fierce when facing life’s traumas and challenges. Mom taught me to take care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The finest lesson and gift she taught me was to be independent. In the end, you reflect the way you live your life to others by the choices you make and the people you surround yourself with. But in the end, there is you to answer to. The legacy we leave in life carries weighted responsibility not only to others but to ourselves.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I am grateful for all the experiences and lessons you taught me before, during, and after breast cancer.
What a beautiful way to convey your love for our dear Mother! Thank you, Ter!
Your older sister, Pat
Love you Sis! She’s amazing 🌸💕