Facing the possibility of mastectomy is frightening for most. You have breast cancer or a genetic mutation putting you at high risk for developing breast cancer. The body parts that are front and center on your body are about to be removed. You are sitting in front of a plastic surgeon as the surgical process is described to you. You know there will be undeniable physical and psychological changes after breast reconstruction. How in the world do you begin to even process all of this?
How Will I Feel Physically After Mastectomy?
My breasts gave me a sense of balance I didn’t realize until I began to stumble over my own feet after my double mastectomy. I thought I was just recovering from side affects of anesthesiology. Walking through my house I would randomly trip like a baby taking its first steps. I felt clumsy and awkward. My breast surgeon eased my concerns by telling me my lost body parts threw me off balance.
Why was I so cold? I had my mastectomy in mid-May in Arizona. I seemed to need a sweatshirt most days in the house with the air conditioning on. My breast provided me warmth. The chill was a constant reminder they were no longer there to provide the warmth.
I was certainly anxious to have breast reconstruction after waiting seven months after my double mastectomy. I was busy finding a surgeon, waiting to get tests results back, and preparing for DIEP flap surgery. Now I would be going through a new transformation. I looked at before and after photos my plastic surgeon provided in amazement wondering how close my final outcomes would be to those pictures. What in the world is my tummy going to feel like? My surgeon would be using all of my accumulated fat, disconnecting it, and reconnecting it to my flat chest wall. I really could not wrap my mind around it. I only had fantasies of having my breasts back.
The feeling of New Breasts
I woke up ecstatic to see my breasts. Lost body parts come at a psychological cost to most amputees. Yes, when you lose your breast to breast cancer, you ARE an amputee. To have them back on my body was nothing short of miraculous. But they felt heavy and swollen. The drains coming out of each breast and each side of my abdominal area were a nuisance. The drains were filled with blood and fluid suctioning slowly from my incisions. But still, I had breasts! They were warm, soft, and I loved the sound of the Doppler knowing they had blood flow.
The Psychological Changes
I was emotionally exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. There is a tremendous amount of planning and preparation for breast reconstruction surgery. If travel is involved, which it is for many, there are finances to be concerned about. What burden am I placing on my family and loved ones? I felt like there were times when I was managing their emotions, concerns and stress, too. When you are told time and time again how brave you are, how much of a hero you are, you rally to fulfill the title. But there are days when you feel anything but a hero. You feel like you are a drain on everyone.
When you are left alone in a quiet room, you think about the transformation you are going through. Your body feels different. You know it will never be the same. I know many feel so grateful for the advances in plastic surgery. Dealing with the looks family and friends give you after surgery is an interesting emotional roller coaster. Some will be compassionate and patient as you go through changes. Others will make remarks you won’t even know how to respond to they are so off color. You deal with the uncomfortable glances and quizzical emotions of those who know what you’ve been through.
A Difficult Choice
We did not choose to have breast cancer. Our choice to reconstruct our breasts was our decision. As grateful as of many of us feel for having this choice, this option, a feeling of gratitude comes at a heavy price. Dealing with the physical and psychological changes after breast reconstruction is a process. Be patient with yourself. Know the changes will be both positive and confusing. You will yearn to have the old you back on some days wishing you never had to deal with this. On other days, hopefully most days, you will marvel at the personal strength you have and continue to display every day after your breast reconstruction.
What would your life be like if you hadn’t gone through breast reconstruction? Try to embrace each positive moment this Journey has brought you. The word Journey reflects a process. You will continue to reflect, grow, and change as the years pass. You have overcome much, and you are amazing!
I’m always so amazed at the details you’ve kept recorded to help yourself recover and that you have used these indelible memories to support all of us on this journey with you. Fabulous helpful and poignant thoughts you’ve shared.
Thank you so much Caroline. I believe we are all given gifts/talents in life to help others. I hope my experience helps others in their own recovery. Writing is a conduit I can use to do that. I always appreciate hearing from readers. Kindly ~ Terri