A guest blog by Richard A. Coutee
I asked our oldest son to write a guest blog about his experience with both my breast cancer diagnosis and my recovery through DIEP flap surgery. I cried when I read it. He hit the mark on the challenges, accomplishments, and understanding the worth of being a caregiver. In his words…
My First Challenge as a Caregiver
In 2001, I was a freshman at Washington State University. I remember a chilly day in January, I was in class shortly after returning from Christmas break. The professor teaching the class that day paused when a teaching assistant came in and handed her a note. “Richard Coutee? You need to call home as soon as you can.”
I was embarrassed that I was called out in front of everyone and wondered what news was so important that it couldn’t wait for me. That’s when I learned my mom had cancer. I barely remember walking back to my house after I called home and got the news. The only thing I remember was running into a family friend I hadn’t seen in a while. He asked me how things were going when I responded, “my mom has cancer.” That was the first time I had said those words, and unfortunately not the last.
Understanding My New Role as Caregiver
Later that spring I concluded my first year and headed to Houston to spend summer break with my parents. By the time I got home, my mom had started chemotherapy, and the weight and hair loss were both already well under way. I remember seeing her for the first time and thinking, “She’s going to need my help.” Unknowingly, I started a new job that day. The title was “caregiver” and the lessons I learned from it were far more valuable than any money I have been paid for any other work I’ve done.
During that summer I also had an internship at my dad’s company and was a reservist in the Army. Both kept me busy, but my obligation as a caregiver always came first. I would take my mom to chemo at MD Anderson which was a 45-minute drive from my parents’ house. I would take her to doctors’ appointments, pick up her medication, and help with chores around the house. The responsibilities of the job never really ended, but I was happy to do them. The summer went by fast and before I knew it I was heading back to school. My mom wrapped up chemo and was on to radiation shortly after to complete her treatment.
Understanding My Worth the Second Time
Several years later I was married and in the middle of my career. I was enjoying life and had little to worry about, until a call one day. “It’s back….” The thing about cancer is that when it enters your life it never really goes away. It’s like a black cloud that’s always hovering behind you. Some days it’s so far off in the distance you barely remember it is there. Other days you can feel it right behind you. That day, the cloud of cancer was squarely over the top of my head, staring me down and letting me know that I would have to deal with this once again.
At the time, I was living in Seattle and my parents were outside of Tucson. I knew I was not going to be able to commit the amount of time I had during my mom’s first round, but I wanted to be there for her. I asked what I could do to help and learned she would be going through a DIEP Flap reconstruction after a double mastectomy. This was going to be a significant surgery that would require a lot of rest and recovery, so I offered to stay with her after the procedure when I thought she would need the most help. This time, my caregiver role required me to perform duties like hoisting my mom in and out of bed since she was wrapped in bandages. The job was different, but the goal was the same. Help mom on her road to recovery.
The Simplest Gestures Showing She Understands
There is no doubt that being a caregiver to a parent going through cancer is challenging. Roles switch and you go from being the one who is cared for to being responsible for the well- being of a parent or loved one. The biggest surprise I learned was the immediate payoff that comes with caring for someone.
Seeing the smile on my mom’s face while I held her hand during chemo, watching her close her eyes after I lifted her into bed, a simple “thank you” after I put away laundry because she was too tired. Those rewards were tangible and in the instance they happened, I felt I was doing some good in the world. I think that is the trick to not getting too overwhelmed while you’re being a caregiver. Look for small wins to appreciate the work you are doing. I knew that I was not going to cure my mom’s cancer, but I was confident I could play an important role on her path to recovery. So, I focused on what I could do to be the best at that job, even if it were as simple as making dinner that night.
A New Appreciation for the Sense of Accomplishments
Beyond helping my mom, the payoff was a new appreciation for the sense of accomplishment you feel by supporting someone that needs you. Being a caregiver helps me understand my worth beyond any paycheck or important work title I have ever had. It helped carry me through some of the toughest times I had helping my mom through cancer, twice. If you are a caregiver reading this, keep reminding yourself of the good you’re doing even in the smallest most mundane tasks. Adding these up over days, weeks and months tells a much bigger story about the impact you have on someone’s journey back to health. If you are on the receiving end of caregiving, let the people taking care of you know how much you appreciate them. They are not on the payroll, but they are putting in the work.
I try to draw on my experience as a caregiver to remind myself that I have many jobs that impact the world around me. I’m a dad, a husband, a friend, a coach, and many other things. I don’t get paid for any of these roles, but the reward I get from them reminds me why life is beautiful.