A young man took the podium at the DiepCFoundation Breast Symposium. He shared a slide entitled, “Facing the Dragon.” His presentation was on the role of the caregiver for loved ones who have breast cancer and DIEP flap breast reconstruction. The young man was our oldest son, Richard Coutee. He is also a brother, husband, and dad. It is an honor to present insights from his talk.
Facing the Dragon
“This threat is something we will be facing as a family.”
Richard is a follower of the stoic philosophers. He presented a slide showing Marcus Aurelius. The metaphor of facing the dragon was to show the threat we faced as a family when we heard that I had breast cancer the first time.
Rich was a first-year college student at the time of my first diagnosis. He could have made the choice not to come home. However, he chose to drive the distance literally and figuratively. My husband and I insisted he stay for his first semester. We agreed he could travel home for the summer in 2002 when I would be in the throws of chemotherapy. We needed someone to drive me seventy-two miles round trip from our home to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston for those treatments.
Rich drove from Pullman Washington to the Woodlands, Texas in his soft top jeep. It had no air-conditioning. I believe there was a lot of uncertainty throbbing through his head during the summer heat of 2002 as he drove those two thousand miles. Facing the dragon indeed!
Decisions Caregivers Make for Those They Love
Sacrificing time away from their normal everyday lives is an intentional decision caregivers make. For some, it means time off work, time away from family, and doing tasks and facing family challenges which they are not prepared for. Rich chose to be one of the caregivers who was an integral part of my recovery. My entire family watch me suffer from the vicious effects of chemotherapy that summer. The minute he walked in the door from his trip he asked me to remove the bandana that covered my bald head. “Let’s see it Momma” were the words he spoke after a long, warm hug. Facing the dragon.
The drives coming and going to MD Anderson that summer are full of fond memories for both of us. Some days we walked the halls of the clinic waiting to be called to the infusion room. We took advantage of the beautiful gardens and space provided for patients and their caregivers. Some days we’d sit quietly together in the infusion room, me hooked up to an IV with chemo dripping into my veins. Rich would shut his eyes and rest in the chair beside me.
Was Breast Cancer Diagnosis One Training for Round Two?
Little did we know that twelve years later, we would all be facing that dragon again. Everything we went through in 2002 prepared us all for this moment. The day I called my sons for the second time to tell them I had breast cancer again I did not shed a tear. I faced the dragon once; I’ll damn well do it again. But now they were grown men entering the world to make their way and have influence in the world.
A study published in 2003 in Current Oncology states:
Quite often, caregivers are the spouse/partner or the adult child of the patients; in rare cases, even friends can play this role. Patients and their family members face the dramatic experience of cancer together by going through different stages of adjustment to cancer disease.
I encourage readers to click on this link to read this article and the important decisions breast cancer patients and their caregivers face and make together.
This time would be different for our family. I was facing loss of a body part that personally defined me as a woman. Learning about all my options for breast reconstruction was a discussion I would have with my primary caregivers, my husband and our two sons. We practiced the shared decision-making model as a family. That included discussing all my options for reconstruction. We considered my personal preferences and leaned heavily on the ability of my reconstructive surgeon, Dr. Minas Chrysopoulo, and chose to have delayed DIEP flap breast reconstruction after a double mastectomy.
Insights from the DiepCFoundation Breast Symposium and a Chance to Highlight the Role of Caregiver
Rich is a regular and quite comfortable giving presentations for his professional work. I asked him to step outside of that role and step back into his role as a caregiver to reflect on what they meant to him. You can watch the video short in this blog to hear how he feels about it.
There are patient advocates who highlight the role of the patient story. One of my dear friends, I encourage you to check out and follow on LinkedIn, is Sue Robins. She shared a beautiful post the week after the DiepCFoundation Breast Symposium was held. This is what Sue said about Rich.
Terri’s son Rich Coutee provided a special perspective as a caregiver.
This approach to the Symposium offered a rare *full picture* of the health care experience, from all sides and stakeholders.
Beautifully stated Sue and thank you! I will continue to bring you insights from the DiepCFoundation Breast Symposium over the next few months. We have a lot of content and rich and meaningful presentations to unpack. This blog is honoring both my sons, my husband, and all those who “face the dragon” and step into the role of caregiver for those facing and recovering from breast cancer. I love you Rich, Brian, and my lifelong partner and husband, for being my caregivers during breast cancer and DIEP flap breast reconstruction.
You’ve raised sons who not only showed up for you but who also help others understand the emotional weight and quiet courage it takes to support a loved one through cancer. Marie Grateful to learn from you, always.
Thank you Marie. You couldn’t have said it better, “showed up … and understand the emotional weight and quiet courage it takes.” That describes both of our sons to a tee! I always appreciate hearing from you.
~ Terri